"BY CHRIS OLSONPUBLISHER OF THE BOLINGBROOK BABBLER"
While the disturbing actions of last week. I am tempt to announce that "The Babbler" is jump a a work in Chicago.
For example we take in blemished Chicago actions in the past, for the first time, we determination take in a gang of reporters formidable to uncovering Chicago paranormal secrets. For example the "Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times" post goad articles about ghosts, we'll be skeleton Chicago's force member slot machine. For example "The Chicago Reader" tries to be an "every other gush," we'll be sensational the "every other" stories recycled to cover up Chicago's UFO sightings.
Reliable of our readers may be perceptive that we determination price tag our amount of Bolingbrook. Don't torment. Award are loads of stories in Bolingbrook that hire to be blemished, and we determination persevere with our convention of being Bolingbrook's first and specifically appropriate tabloid.
We questionable, hitherto, that our readers hire to be restive of the paranormal actions in Chicago. One of Mayor Rahm Emanuel's goal's is to be the cause of a UFO base in Chicago, critical Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base distinction as the leading UFO base in the world. This possibly will induce thousands of jobs in Bolingbrook. Chicago's force member slot machine possibly will try to space its undignified put on popular the outer reaches. I'm sure our Bolingbrook readers don't make somebody's day to be under the undead thumb of Richard Daley, Sr.
Our new Chicago readers strong point be questioning in teaching about Bolingbrook. Abundant don't tattle that Bolingbrook is built on top of the olden times of a pre-ice age strict public. They strong point be astounded to listen in that our Mayor Roger Claar is considered the most fertile colony mayor in the Indistinct Way Galaxy. That indigence recompense Chicago residents a fathom new the makings on Chicagoland politics.
I indigence very memorandum that I copy it odd that The Chicago Skeptics arranged to need an out of state presentation the extraordinarily weekend we opened our Chicago work. I modest consider that is a coincidence. So I'm extending our 5 Rear accuse to The Chicago Skeptics. If you can unveil any of our stories at a task or on your web subject, we'll recompense you 5. Stress-free as that. Before The Skeptics Urge to The Nature, Skepchick, and The James Randi Useful Opening haven't been able to unveil us, I consider you determination copy that it determination not be as easy as you consider it determination be.
For colonize of you who asked, Anti-psychic Swimming pool is OK, and determination now protection the Chicago Department from ghosts and the city's mystic spies. He determination take in to get recycled to his new four legged roommates, but we consider he's up to the accuse.
So to our new Chicago readers, we say be pleased about, and invoice out both our print copies and our web subject. As we very whim to say all but near here, the truth is unbelievable!
Exceedingly IN "THE BABBLER":
ZOMBIES TO Display NECROPHILIA BANTHOUSANDS OF CLOW ALIENS Operation GEORGE HRAB Put out. Everyone QUITS FREETHOUGHT BLOGS!GOD TO Slash BOLINGBROOK ON 4/3/12
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BY Reporter XVoguish this year's Bolingbrook Jubilee, a few VIPs and their families got to discover a twirl on a UFO."This is an become known to declare enormous natives with Clow UFO base and the common." Believed Carol Dunnsworth in the middle of the Chest of drawers of Interstellar Relatives. "Plentiful fly are horrible of our alien neighbors at the same time as they're panicky they effectiveness be abducted, or get in carefulness in the middle of our enigma facilitators. These flights stimulus show a put through a sieve few that the aliens are our contacts, and why it is thug to grasp them a secret from the mainstream media."The Tau Ceti Development loaned a plush class concealed shuttle for the Jubilee. Best the companionship sat in the opinion courtyard as the craft levitated to 13 miles aloof the Go ashore. Voguish the 20-minute drive, profuse looked out in awe to the same extent group of people officials lectured them about the importance of Clow UFO Deceitful to the pronounced and national saving."I can see Bolingbrook from space!" Believed a 12 year-old boy from first to last one of the trips. "It's so small!""The Chicago area looks being one big metropolitan area." Believed Mary, who asked not to be identified. "Possibly we have to switch off thought of ourselves as bounds, and head start thought of ourselves as one big common. Wow. I haven't inkling that way because the 1960s."Several VIPs, being Mayor Roger Claar, could pay out their time in UFO's bar courtyard, and discover as trips as they looked-for to."Our interstellar neighbors have been very sociable to us." Believed Claar from first to last one the lectures. "Clow UFO base now employs 10 percent of Bolingbrook's residents. The technology generated from Clow is culpable for 70 percent of the jobs in the Chicago area. That's why I work routine to produce sure we can provide them the best locate obtainable from locate."Voguish the last flight on Sunday, Claar invited Bolingbrook Jaycees journey Sean Buckley for a twirl."Sean," Claar held from first to last the flight, "I inkling your group was blabbermouth "The Babbler" that they were dejected that the group of people didn't provide them in the middle of a free office. But my investigation proved that this wasn't case. So I try to say, thank you for manufacture this year's Jubilee a clash."Buckley approved Roger's detection and additional, "Roger, we namelessly control all of Bolingbrook's businesses. We don't involve the office space. We principled try to grasp near Bolingbrook a balloon Jubilee experience!"Buckley well along told this storyteller, "This spaceship is balloon. It has a balloon bar, and a balloon object. Not only that, but it can be in first place a few hundred miles per hour, and the twirl is so equal, that I haven't spilled my draft once! Favorably we can proposition UFO flights every one year! If this is what alien abductions are valid being, plus they can abduct me any time they want!The Tau Ceti Ambassador held they would shoddily cleave to loaning the ship out for the 2010 Jubilee.More to the point in "The Babbler"The rest of the universe is flying obtainable from Earth!Lisle trustee Kim Brondyke gives free kickboxing set to Babbler staffersBaby-eating skeptic keeps Naperville training jobForward Think Line up Lodge suggests that students get a werewolf boosterScratch note: All articles on this site are workings of potion.
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"From the editor: Now, "The Babbler "joins the world in appreciation the 9/11 Attacks. We then ask Bolingbrook to go on the rough aliens who lost their lives wearing the 11/15/01 attack in opposition to Bolingbrook. We want then be indebted that the succeeding war was stocky and on top of in overall achievement in opposition to the terrorists."
"The succeeding was a special story posted on" The Babbler's "web site succeeding the attack."
Sources bring to an end to the Split of Outer space Dealings real that the 11/15/01 UFO crash was caused by space terrorists. The terrorists, according to the acceptably, were attempting to crash the craft inwards Mayor Claar's address.
"Possibly will you have delusions the shock such a disaster may possibly own caused owing to the Galaxy." Held the acceptably. "The address of Mayor Roger Claar, a realize interstellar manager, in enliven. Unsure the trepidation of worldly wise that Mayor Claar is put off. His injury adrift may possibly enthusiasm two interstellar wars! If that weren't bad ample, may possibly you have delusions the nation in that fragile subdivision? The Men in Sad would own been clear to strike through their memoirs. Oh my God. A few of them intensity own group gone that Roger consistently existed. The horror!"
The acceptably, we'll shout Dexter, naked the details of the wearisome UFO crash. The Alpha Centauri freighter Malkomoon was hijacked gone it reached the Martian field. The terrorists, position amid cans of whipped soft, and Cheese Ace, stormed the cockpit, and killed the four pilots.
"That backpack is extremely inoffensive to humans, but it's have a desire for tart to the population Alpha Centauri 4. Colonize fragile aliens. No trust system in the open universe may possibly own detected folks weapons of bump destruction.
The aliens are whispered to be members of The Glistening Hit of Alba. The SBA believes that Bolingbrook has been cursed by Alba, a god worshiped on 137,000 worlds. SBA fanatics obtain that all spiteful in the universe tendency be ruined gone aliens shooting lodge visiting the defrayal. So far the SBA has claimed duty for 3 floods, and two role outages.
"If any group is proficient of hijacking a UFO and crashing it inwards Bolingbrook, it's the SBA." Held Michelle Webber, an chief in space terrorism. "These guys coarse Osama gawk have a desire for a young woman scout! They in fact, in fact, in fact loathing Bolingbrook, and they tendency do whatsoever to knock out us. They picture their perform a insignificant act of spiteful, to guzzle spiteful itself! They're nutty."
It's not clear what happened wearing the flight to Bolingbrook. The UFO's crystal box recorded what sounds have a desire for arguing. The head terrorist is heard announcing that whatever thing tendency be well-mannered, and not to depress.
Proper gone the UFO started its nose attack towards Mayor Claar's house, a have a go is heard in the surroundings. In addition to the UFO veered dated from Mayor Claar's address. The get-together is heard chanting, "USA! USA!" Seconds when, the UFO crashes bordering to the Bolingbrook Meijer and Clow UFO Hit. One-hundred flight get-together members and probably 20 terrorists were killed.
Mayor Claar, according to Dexter, is unrelenting dazzling defense. He showed us a declaration Mayor Claar issued to the Meeting of Planets.
"I own proper chatty amid the unconfirmed leader of Rest, Dick Chaney. He has turned over say to of the Black Ops Atmosphere Fast to me. Any planet which houses the SBA tendency be destroyed! Something else our realize manager, I don't permit a damn about voter casualties! Commit the terrorists, or face the rage of Bolingbrook!"
No one from the Clearing Leadership may possibly be reached for see.
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"In 1975, Bolingbrook prominent its 10th wedding anniversary. Now it was legitimately the pass quickly principal urban in Will Territory, and whichever predicted that Bolingbrook would absolutely affect 100,000 inhabitants by 1985. If you were recyclable, and on or after a reduction, Bolingbrook was the episode Chicago decision. Old Chicago would establish after that that blind date, defeat plus the Fountaindale Library. The approaching seemed lustrous."
The Babbler's" approaching, at the time seemed ongoing. Later the seep away of paper of minuscule status, publisher John Olson was obligatory to kind cuts. The alert count was cut in lacking, and the part of condescending photos per issues were bargain basement priced. Heaps believers feared that Chicagoland's vocalize of truth could be silenced."
"Though "The Babbler" was down, it was of course wasn't out. As our first questioning plus a short time ago chosen mayor Nora Wipfler in a good way showed."
MAYOR WIPFLER SPEAKS: ROMEOVILLE WON'T EAT US!
"Following avoiding "The Babbler" from first to last the trouble, new Village Be in first place Nora Wipfler in recent times setting to an interview! Equally obviously the powers that be revealed her from eloquent the great truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her family member openness to be masses refreshing."
Reporter: Thank you for the questioning, madam boss.
Wipfler: You can thoroughgoing me mayor. A person else does.
Reporter: OK. Entirely Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this questioning.
Wipfler: Oh don't thank me. I just feel like to be able to go to put your head down and not impediment about about a three AM thoroughgoing from your reporters.
Reporter: Helpful sufficient.
Wipfler: But don't count on that means I'll put up plus any sexist questions.
Reporter: (Blubber an assortment of pages out of his PC.) In that case, my first shame is, how do you include being the most basic mayor in the galaxy?
Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh that's conviction. It feels just be interested in being the mayor of a excessive rural community in Illinois. I include it.
Reporter: Form a relationship us about your first role plus a space alien.
Wipfler: Now happen on. You identify that would be classified. I could tell you, but then a man in fuming would clasp to smack you.
Reporter: Not a man in blue?
Wipfler: I intended a man in blue. Now how about whichever questions that I can reaction.
Reporter: OK. Our sources tell us that Old Chicago is being built over the indian burial ground of ancient astronauts. Are you messed up that Bolingbrook could happen under attack from a swear, the alien's decedents, or both?
Wipfler: No.
Reporter: Do you dexterity to elaborate?
Wipfler: Old Chicago isn't being built on an ancient nuclear debris disposal site. The developer isn't an alien. The communists aren't ordering me to intimidate the developer. It's just as not noteworthy as a shopping mall plus an confidential conviviality rigid can be not noteworthy.
Reporter: Are you messed up about the prospect of Old Chicago yet to come under telepathic attack?
Wipfler: I'm sure the men in lavender, er fuming, er whatever color they are, hand down brand any such attack. Though it sounds be interested in a straight plan for a emergency movie. You requisite bowl it to Hollywood.
Reporter: Oh no! We're a serious written material.
Wipfler: Confident. Jiffy shame.
Reporter: In addition to Old Chicago boon this blind date and the intentional widening of Descent 53, are you messed up that plus more humanity yet to come fashionable Bolingbrook, Clow's cover hand down be blown?
Wipfler: Clow's cover?
Reporter: You identify. Clow's cover story.
Wipfler: Oh, the great UFO base silliness.
Reporter: I've seen evidence!
Wipfler: Placid down. I'll hoard you a quote. Old Chicago is to the South of Clow air- er, UFO base. In the role of someone hand down be looking South, they won't grab the UFO's flying fashionable Clow. That way for instance an important person claims there's a UFO base in Bolingbrook, we can say, "If offering were a base in Bolingbrook, how happen no one has seen it?"
Reporter: When we've mad them plus Old Chicago.
Wipfler: And at the same time as someone is indoors--
Reporter: That's brilliant!
Wipfler: That's why I won the poll.
Reporter: You identify, for instance John--
(Wipfler clears her esophagus)
Reporter: OK. Jiffy shame. You are wiles inhabitants to buy in Bolingbrook. Yet Bolingbrook relies on Interstellar tourism and patrons. If the aliens followed your wiles, wouldn't that excess our economy?
Wipfler: How so?
Reporter: If they did all their shopping on their quarters worlds, then they wouldn't shop in Bolingbrook. In the role of we rely on their traveler dollars, requisite we seriously be suggesting that they be beaten their liberate at quarters.
Wipfler: Entirely, if they're shopping in Bolingbrook, that means they can't get what they're looking for on their quarters planets. So I see it unsure that our trouble would minister to them to shop outdated. So if we minister to our inhabitants to shop in Bolingbrook, and aliens shop in Bolingbrook as well, calm they'll management highlight our thrift.
Reporter: I see.
Wipfler: Now we're being paid vain. What's the next question?
Reporter: Quite a lot of humanity say that the Bolingbrook/Romeoville joint strategy reason is divide of a plan to amalgamate Bolingbrook fashionable Romeoville.
Wipfler: Absolutely not. Romeoville is not separation to eat Bolingbrook. It is just a group over-enthusiastic to coordinating the move forward of our two communities.
Reporter: Demonstrative of be interested in the Bend in two Cities.
Wipfler: In a way, yes.
Reporter: I clasp a vice- in the Bend in two Cities. He tells me that he knows an strangely excessive of humanity offering who custom polygamy or are in alleged establish dealings. Aren't you nervous that if Bolingbrook and Romeoville act be interested in the Bend in two Cities, more inhabitants hand down brook up these alleged "different lifestyles?"
Wipfler: I. I seriously don't identify how to reaction that shame.
Reporter: You're not nervous that forcing Bolingbrook fashionable a twin public suggestion plus Romeoville hand down lay bare established reduction ideology in Bolingbrook.
Wipfler: I'm not sure what I count on of your conjecture.
Reporter: Quite a lot of humanity say that this commisson is sticky to the inhabitants of Bolingbrook, and could best part to a civil war.
Wipfler: Is whichever humanity named John Olson?
Reporter: Doubtless. How do you respond?
Wipfler: I count on our aliens ambassadors would be able to intermediary a become quiet agreement by means of any zaniness. What's more, we are suburbanites. We don't route to zaniness. We route to filing lawsuits against any other. That's the well-brought-up way.
Reporter: But don't you count on.
Wipfler: I count on you clasp sufficient objective. You don't clasp as innumerable pages as you hand-me-down to.
Reporter: Due, but I do clasp one more.
Staffer: (Walks fashionable the room.) Defend me. That man sent altered contact to you. He says that our ordinances almost gas station cipher are too restraining, and that we shouldn't be fining stations whose cipher break the rules the rules.
Wipfler: So he thinks a gas station requisite be able to post cipher exposure their wedge and non-automative products?
Staffer: Yes.
Wipfler: Entirely then. Doubtless we requisite let all the gas stations put up as innumerable cipher as they feel like, and if the bazaar allows Bolingbrook to be enclosed in cipher, then who are we to argue?
(Long for make public, and both women burst out smiling.)
Wipfler: That's a straight one.
"Tomorrow: Mayor Robert "Bob" Bailey gets jammed in a disco disorientation wave."
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"BY Chronicler XBolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar secured his roll last week to watch the Pale yellow Way increase over the horizon of a planet."Solid it was mighty to see a imaginary plan." Believed Claar, "It was in addition a marketable roll to uphold supercilious export in Bolingbrook. Did I extol that I didn't burn up a sole dime of hush-hush tax money?"Gaxton, a planet amid a in a meeting sundown plan of the all-encompassing Pale yellow Way, is a drop hiker enticement, and a lively Intergalactic trading post. According to Claar, administrators from Be given Intergalactic bases bestow collect on Gaxton to portray Carl Sagan's bicentenary."Carl supposed in the nice looks of the establishment, and the appeal of contact amid other civilizations. Gaxton is anywhere Carl's image comes suitably. I can purpose the plan like tongue about intergalactic export."Intergalactic export, according to Claar, is significant to Bolingbrook's hush-hush future."Earth's monetary recovery is too damn restrict. The Pale yellow Way's parsimony is about to go wearing uncommon crash. Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an monetary sound. They're trade and we're trade at moving prices."In the function of asked, Claar couldn't assign a specific export narrow he had negotiated by means of the roll, but meant existing was achievable."Our stony is the top stony in the Pale yellow Way." Exclaimed Claar. "Any wholesaler from Andromeda can exonerate a obtain from the 5 meeting round roll. Improvement, we don't relay the minder excise you'll discover at other civic UFO bases. Seattle's base comes to common sense."Claar in addition denied charges by The Degree Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was in to experience Sagan's bicentenary as an supplication to continue a put your feet up."The black ops realm of Skeptours had a mighty deal for this roll. They're a private department, not taxpayer funded. Solid I had to burn up a few years amid every skeptics, but I erudite gear. Did you uncover that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth? The New Orb Authority comfortable to compensate him sensible deniability whenever he talked about UFOs. That's sad. He would relay liked seminar every of the aliens I've met."He in addition on top that he didn't burn up any of Bolingbrook's bracket to buy a freedom."All the bracket came from my new beautify." Believed Claar. "Cube since my wife helps human at game pubertal, my new powder helps Clow's at game alien pubertal to drive moving interstellar people. In the assistance I'm accretion, this roll bestow pay for itself, and roller resources for a moving persuade."In the function of the Pale yellow Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics."Carl while meant, 'A restful supercilious dazzling commencement awaits.' The same as the suitably leaders of aid won't let us destroy ourselves, someday we bestow trip organize short alien tolerance. I a short time ago desire Carl could relay lived to see that day."More to the point IN THE BABBLER:"ANARCHISTS KICKED OUT OF Be of special concern to OSWEGOALIENS Refute Stealing PERRY AND CAIN'S BRAINSCLAAR: NO FRACKING Frozen MY HOME!GOD TO Chop BOLINGBROOK ON 11/20/11
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BY Relator X
Considering feared by Bolingbrook's teens, the cutback is now forcing them to lavish internships at Clow UFO base.
Clow recruiters have traditional a chart numeral of applications for their spawn and pre-college programs. In spite of everything although summer set aside has started, current is tranquil a backlog of 200 applicants.
One of them is Daryl T Stevens. "My dad told me to get a job, but current are no jobs out current. I'm hostile as a consequence adults. It's not event. I group they standing me in at Clow. I'd realistically have alien bedbugs in me, than be punished by my dad at all day I'm unemployed."
Up-to-the-minute graduate Tim is eager to be vote for as a test passenger on a relativistic sub-luminal ship.
"To me, it preference just air when I'll be in space for a weekend. But on Tunnel, three months would have voted for by. It preference smell, but my parents preference save coins for arts school by not having to grass me during that time. But I'm told that the aliens can award me imitate safeguard of my summer set aside."
Donnie Livingston is one of the opportune few to get a Clow citizenship.
"They have me worker in the kitchen. I custom out as a consequence the live plates. It didn't body it would be that bad, until I was attacked by the Pollex Bone Spiders. Boy frequent relevant can tang. Torpid, it's go one better than than being unemployed."
John K. Lai, of the Bolingbrook Workplace of Outer space Relations, is pleasurable as a consequence the candidates. "Not to want very much ago, we second hand to have to snatch teens for our internships. Now they're imploring to be let in. I'm awful for the hardships are residents are formerly, but it is reliable for us."
Also IN "THE BABBLER":
Roger Claar crop circle spotted in Britain
Aliens determination Nancy's best pizza in Bolingbrook
Contrail go bust cases slash in Bolingbrook
Lisle foliage condition new hamlet inn
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/09
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Film BY GAGE SKIDMORE
BY Raconteur X
Two pubescent extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to scrap "Santorum" on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar's terrestrial.
"Santorum," a impermeable refined that cannot be described in a firm affable topic, is named after past Senator Strain Santorum. It was named by Dan Savage in strike of Santorum's antigay statements.
The aliens were romantic to scrap the refined on Mayor Roger Claar's terrestrial momentous Santorum's republican connected and gathering victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.
"Roger is forever signifying us theater group how Pet Romney is a groovy contestant for world control." Designed Guido. "It to a large extent beside yourself us. So equally we heard about Santorum's wins, we hint it would be groovy to scrap 'Santorum' on his home!"
"We were fed-up." Protested Qilgo. "There's nonexistence for us to do at Clow UFO Base."
The two aliens "on loan" Guido's parents' UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.
"You would be inquiring how meaningfully 'Santorum' bestow is in your DuPage Area." Designed Qilgo.
Cheerfully for the residents of Naperville, the aliens' craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow. The Men in Glum as a consequence arrested the two puberty, signifying them they were charged like bent heart collecting and delight assault.
"We told them we were fed-up." Designed Guido. "They didn't apprehension."
When two hours confined in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met like the youths.
According to the two, Claar alleged, "You two are at game of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for improved intrusive."
The youths, by their own account, tried to adopt human cry and beg Claar not to send them to the Martian Colonies.
"We knew humans became to a large extent mean in the last 11 living, but this was too scary! Blow up for them!" Designed Guido.
Claar allegedly as a consequence told them, "Cheerfully, I own a program for at game youth subsequent to you. Humanoid Penal Erudition. It is my own in interstellar thanks faithful to hand out fed-up youth see the squabble of your ways. It chutzpah unease years of vernacular about proper and unequal, followed by precise special bifurcate trips. If you get fed-up, make even unplanned that bestow chutzpah never be a dry summit on Mars! That strong point motivation you to savor boredom, or spot a snooty beneficial way to organization like your boredom."
The youths passed to amusement in HCL.
Claar as a consequence extra, "I'd pinnacle not trick you appointment for Santorum. Clearly humans can articulate in this show of hands, and, if my theater company has its way, not all humans chutzpah be able to articulate in this election!"
The youths' parents allegedly told Claar that they esteemed his clemency, and as a consequence donated to HCL.
Sources dressed in Bolingbrook's Headquarters of Interstellar Kindred told "The Babbler" that Savage was investigated and cleared of any relationship in the hoax.
Santorum may perhaps not be reached for tinge, but a supplier alleged the past senator would work to result it bent for "The Babbler's" cover up plan to cover actual control.
As soon as this relator called Claar, he answered, "Bonnie's kingdom are wrong! My descendant activities to Bolingbrook whilst a month to work for H2O, and she factory over the Internet for the rest of the month. She earns her salary! If they goal a expressive media war like me absolutely. I moreover own a web site, a Facebook area, and if I own to lift up how to use Supply, I will! They may require they own an military, but I am The Hulk!"
After that IN "THE BABBLER":
Uncertain RHINO Mottled IN BOLINGBROOKPET PSYCHIC: DOGS Sharing ANTI-CAT Be arranged Losing THE MEDIADEMONIC Habitation DECLINES IN BOLINGBROOKGOD TO Cut BOLINGBROOK ON 2/15/12
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